Since both societal convention and Hallmark have told us that “love is in the air” this month, let’s use this time to talk about money in our intimate relationships! We all know that money happens to be one of the top reasons relationships suffer, and also a leading cause of divorce. A study by Personal Capital even found that as many as four in ten people avoid talking about their finances all together with their partners; the topic is that stress-inducing!
Let’s dig into WHY this is so, and what we can actually do to make money a little easier to discuss in relationships! We’ll also touch on some practical, tactical, and, most importantly, automated systems we can set up today in order to co-manage our money more efficiently!
The Touchy Feely Stuff:
Why is money so dang stressful to discuss?? Well, at our very core for survival the most important thing we need to feel is safe. How we feel about our safety includes our feelings around security. Money happens to be a powerful tool that makes us feel both safe and secure.
We all have different ideologies and beliefs that we’ve come to rely on over the years of exactly how we (and everyone else) should handle our/their money. When someone (a partner perhaps) isn’t reflecting the ideas we’ve come to believe are best, our safety and security is threatened and stress flares up.
For example, the littlest incident such as an impulse purchase of reasonable cost by one person in the relationship could get blown out of proportion by someone else because at the core of what’s really happening is someone’s emotional safety is being triggered. We can see how this is a lot to unpack!
What’s the best way to deal with financial beliefs in a partnership? Let them be known!!! Disclose, disclose, disclose until the topic is a little less loaded.
First, take some time to reflect and identify your own systems and beliefs, and where they come from, and then, you can translate that to your partner. This could look like putting a “money date” on the calendar and using that time to discuss not only current financial situations but also your feelings and beliefs about money. Make it comfy! Have good food and music! Whatever it is that you all find relaxing, set the scene!
Once you have each been heard and hopefully understood a little better, come to a conclusion of what works for the partnership. This is not easy! Keep an open mind! Also, listening and reflecting back what you heard (before you respond!) is crucial to getting the other person’s requests right. Have empathy when hearing from your partner. Find out: What do they believe people “should” do with their money? Where did that come from? Where do you differ? Where do you agree?
Once money is not so “triggering” to talk about, you may find the stress responses (racing heart, sweating, shutting down, etc.–you know the drill) loosen their grip a little and, hopefully, moving forward the topic will get a little easier.
Caveat: if you find you’re really struggling to either open up, or find any common ground, this is why financial therapists exist (yes, it’s a thing!). No shame.
The Tactical How-to:
To combine your finances, or not?
The truth is, there is no “right” way. It’s whatever you both agree works for you! What is important here is understanding that having autonomy with money (that is money in YOUR name) is important.
It’s important for independence; it’s important for building credit; it’s important for personal finance knowledge. It is important simply as a life-skill!
For context on how new women are to financial autonomy, it wasn’t until the Equal Credit Opportunity Act was passed in 1974 that women were even able to get credit cards in their own name (!!!) We’ve come a long way; we can do better.
This doesn’t mean that each person has to match the other in expertise and time/energy spent if one is more interested in managing the finances than the other. It simply means all parties should have an understanding of shared fixed expenses, common savings goals, and the systems in place to make sure those are taken care of.
So, what does this look like, exactly?
One system that’s been proven successful is a joint shared account for common expenses or “NEEDS” (think: Rent/Mortgage, Groceries, Insurance, Utilities, any shared debt payments) and shared “GOALS” (think: Emergency and General or Specific Savings Goals) and finally, having separate accounts for “WANTS” or fun money.
Paychecks could be funneled into a joint account, shared bills and savings contributions could be put on auto-pay from this account and then withdrawals could be made for each persons “WANTS”. Having the money funneled in this way and then set-up on autopay allows bills to be paid without having to consult one another. A plan is laid out and there is no worrying about whether something will get paid or not.
Yes, a little math is required up-front: How much are our monthly joint fixed expenses? How much do we want to be contributing to our joint savings account for emergencies or various goals? How much is left for us separately? Most important is to automate what you can! Particularly, if the savings contribution is automated, it’s gone and you can’t miss it!
Tip: Another thing to consider in relationships where someone makes considerably less than the other is dividing these amounts up equitably, by percentage of income.
Once a system is in place, you’ll actually cut way down on the amount of time you have to talk about money by default.
A large chunk of financial conversation is taken care of! Win-win!
Unlocking Abundance 